Friday, April 19, 2013

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 43

I went to Serverworld yesterday! I know, it sounds like an amusement park. Serverworld is actually a big room with a gazillion servers, you get the picture. Despite the room being cool, noisy and drafty with terrible lighting, it was a new experience and I had a great time. It could have very well been the company, the SBSA team escorted me there and I love their repartee. They laugh, bicker and joke like teenagers. They even joined me in the 3rd grade (Day 9) and planked with me on the floor just for kicks. And when we had lunch we prayed -- it simply can't get any better than that. It felt like a field trip and like any 3rd grader, I dressed especially for the occasion ... that's me in bright colors because wearing bright colors puts me in a good mood. And this field trip, oh, I mean work ;-) was a much need reprieve for the last week has by far been one of the toughest weeks of my life.

My BFA (Day 7) buried her dad last Saturday and I wrestled with the fact that my mother had not been herself the last few weeks. Her dad, was a simple man. No late nights out w/the fellas, no secret family or illegitimate children - he believed in family first, period. I remember trying to surprise Deneen one year for her birthday and she was so worried about what would happen if she didn't go over to her parents' house on her actual birthday. I busted her chops good "Girl, you are 40 years old, get over it." Now, her family was in on the surprise but she worried like she was a teenager who had missed curfew. LOL. That still cracks me up. Needless to say, her Dad passing wasn't a surprise but can you ever really prepare? The first time I saw her after he passed, I cried wondering how in the world was she managing, when I felt like I was 'gently unraveling' -- barely holding on worrying about her, my mom and the cursed d-word, dementia the doctor so casually threw out.

It's interesting that for as expressive as I am - my mother is not. It could be why she thought it important to nurture that in her children. I'd like to think as the first born, she had more time to nurture that in me - I can always tell you how I'm feeling ...  just ask any of my friends.

But whatever is going on I'm ready or should be, right? Being grateful should have helped me face my fears easier and address those concerns I thought best left buried. But, I struggled, it's not easy but it's important to do the work - gratefulness is a choice. It's not dependent on a good day - it is a place where we must choose to stand and hopefully we're walking down emotionally-spiritually-healthly boulevard together. And if not, we should at least be ready to round the corner. One of my sisters-in-love (Day 3), always says 'lean into it.' That basically means that which we're afraid of, we must ease into it. 

Well, this is me trying to ease into it. But, there are moments usually in the early AM (when I'm accustomed to being grateful) that I slip into a fog of worry, regret, concern and fear but then I remember that I've been practicing this gratefulness thing - so I'm seemingly able to hold on. It's in these moments of 'gently unraveling' that I'm am resigned to remember (Day 14) to be relaxed with what I have. You see, all the time I busy myself with spinning my wheels, playing the negative sound track and making moves, I could be practicing relaxing with what I have. If I could only wrap my head around 'relaxing with what I have,' there would be more time for me to touch, taste, see, feel and absorb more ... more joy, more happiness, more peace.

What's that scripture, Philippians 4:7 'And the peace of God, which passes all understanding ...' I gotta tell you I thought Fred Hammond was a genius a few years back when he sang that. I didn't know that it was straight from the bible. LOL. That makes me laugh. This peace is what I pray for my BFA and her family, this peace is what I pray for my mom, this peace that will soothe my broken heart, this peace that give me hope, this peace that keeps me from plummeting into despair, this peace that helps me remember I am never alone and this peace that is available to me if I could learn to 'relax with what I have' more.

So on this Day 43 of 40 days of gratefulness, I'm grateful for peace. #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

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