Tuesday, April 9, 2013

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 42

It's been a few days since I posted. I've decided that I'll try to post at least once a week or maybe until we have 50, 100 or 1000 days of gratefulness. Guess what, I'm not going to institutionalize it - I'll drop in from time to time.

It was a strange week. I sort, of feel like I was home from college for the first time. Does anyone remember that? When everything seemed the same but somehow it felt different. Your crazy drunk uncle was no longer funny, he was now embarrassing. And when did you little church-going neighbor grow up over night and start running the streets? Yup, that's something my grandmother used to say. While you hate to admit it, home hadn't changed, you had. Your friends that stayed home reminded you that you were different and you couldn't remember why they seemed strange.

... between here and there ...
For some, the idea was that once you were away from home, from the notion of who you were, you were finally free to be exactly that - who you were meant to be. Some may say you reinvented yourself or 'got all brand new.' But, you were finally starting to discover that it was ok to be exactly who you wanted to be. No longer were you limited to the roles and sometime rules associated with home. And that's exactly where I find myself these days. I'm intentionally practicing gratefulness and joy. No longer must I conform and color inside the lines. I like me. I like my life and I still believe in true love! And that Mr. Right is probaly 5'3" and bald. A girl can dream can't she ;-)

Needless to say with my feeling all different, the week felt familiar, right? But I struggled some. Yes, I was concerned about sequestration, the price of gas and the weather. Yes, I was concerned that a few relationships were changing - some are going some place new and wonderful. While others, I'll regrettably have to lay to rest very soon. But everything was as it should, my grateful meter was going good - joy was mine for the taking. But something was amiss. And then Friday, happened.

My mother no longer seemed herself. I chatted with a good friend (Day 7) on the ride home about my fears. She too, shared her fears about her ailing father. I felt better, this was one of those friendships that was going some place new and wonderful. But later that evening, at 10:28PM, her father passed. He had been ill for over a year and his health had declined rapidly over the last few months. And while we had just talked about our fears, I sat here stunned. Stunned in that for as many years as I've known her, I didn't have any words to say. Where was my gratefulness? I simply told her I loved her and that I would see her soon.

And by Sunday morning, I was ready to eat chips and ice cream at such varying intervals that church was out of the question. And just like that, out of the blue, my roomie (Day 23) sent me a text asking if I was attending breakfast at church. That simple text helped me to remember that I needed to practice gratefulness. So off to church, I went where my Pastor challenged me again. The sermon, it seemed, was tailor made for me and pretty much hinged on one word, surely. Surely, I know who I can count on.

... going through ...
Well, no more avoidance for me. B, my bike (Day 18),  and I were going to ride it away. I rode some place new. I rode until my legs burned and my hands trembled. I rode until I cried. I rode until my cell phone died. I rode past fields and power lines. I rode until I remembered that I choose gratefulness - that I practice joy - that when I'm between here and there - that when I'm going through, Surely, I know who I can count on. I rode until I got good and lost. And that's exactly the point. That when I'm lost, when I'm out of moves, when I've played my last card, Surely ... I know who I can count on.

So on this Day 42 of 40 Days of Gratefulness, I'm grateful for ... surely knowing who I can count on.

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