40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 36

We are winding down this 40 days of gratefulness and I simply can't believe I'm this close to finishing. Not that I'm not a finisher but it never dawned on me in that split second when I decided to blog that I would have to be accountable. Now, I thought by simply posting to face book I would be ok, but my roomie (Day 23) nonchalantly challenged me to blog. Ok, I'm not sure she challenged me but that's how I took it of course. I can be an idiot sometimes.

It didn't occur to me at that very moment that it would mean for 40 whole days, I would need to do something which required my head and my heart. Something that required my focus and my time. There are days when I was simply unavailable as I needed time to prepare to be grateful. Being grateful in itself, wasn't too bad but I had to consider what I wanted to say and how to capture it effectively. If folks were going to take the time to read it, I wanted it to be worth their time and effort. I wanted it to be relevant or fun or just something to make you smile, grow, think or feel. If I had stopped to think about what that meant for 5 seconds, this blog would have been a wrap before it was even was started.

But something or is someone had something else in store for me. I can't tell you how this has been one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had. There is an easiness that I feel sinking in and I hope and pray I can maintain it well after these 40 days are over. I find myself taking pleasure at the most banal things. Just last evening, I went to Walmart. Yup, I sure did. And of course the lines were long - so, what do I do to busy myself? - I gaze around the store looking for something to make me smile. Now, it could be a handsome, gentleman 5'2" or so - I prefer short men, thank you very much. Or it could be something as bizarre as getting your taxes done in the main thoroughfare of the check out lines. Look at this picture I snapped. It was hilarious that the lady there was making appointments. LOL

And whatever crazy, 3rd grader (Day 9) move I make, I spend just a few seconds more observing things. I can't really capture it in words. It's like when you get your first pair of bifocals and everything is so crisp and you can' figure out why you resisted so much. There's so much more to see. It seems I'm not in so much of a hurry. I can hear my friends laughing at that now.

I kind of want to savor each and every moment. Let it soak in, absorb it and experience it. It's almost like everything has been behind a thin veil. Yes, I could see through it but without it things are more apparent. This is not to suggest that everything has been great or easy. Viewing things more clearly means that I can no longer ignore things that are difficult. I can no longer deflect the truth. I can no longer believe the lies I've told myself for so long. A relationship is strained, an old hurt has been reopened, a trust has been broken and in this living intentionally, I have to accept things as they are. It doesn't mean things won't get better or change but it requires that I do the work if I desire something different.

Me, 'Fearless'

Well, let me tell you this here blog, journal, free counseling, whatever you want to call it, is me doing the work. Folks have commended me on being transparent. I'm not being transparent, I'm simply saying no to the one thing that holds me back, fear. Fear of being judged, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt - you name it. I think I'm starting to figure out that what gets in the way of my joy, is me and my stupid fears. Fears limit us, bind us and call us to be uneasy and on edge. Well, to me joy is looking more and more like living without fear. That's not to say things aren't scary but no longer will I choose to stay afraid and fearful. Life isn't easy and it's too precious to waste time with fear, self-doubt and worry. Letting go or being still isn't easy, either for I'm a mover and a shaker. But I've learned on this journey that usually the thing that gets in my way the most ... is me.

So on this Day 36 of 40 days of grateful, I'm grateful for overcoming fear.