40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 49

Do you remember your first? Don't worry I'm keeping it holy ;-) Firsts are almost always significant. Your first steps, your first words ... your first love ... your first job. And it's been almost a year to the day since ... since I recognized the first change. Let me share with you. Within the last 12 months, I've changed so profoundly and significantly, I'm not sure I'll be able to explain.

My First Blog!

Initially, I would have attributed it to Whitney passing. But I was no die-hard-got-every-album fan but I, too like a lot of other folks felt like we grew up with Whitney and wanted her to win. I remember being surprised when the funeral was televised, that was a first for a lil' black girl from Jersey. And after watching, I got it. While, the world may have tuned in simply to pay their respects, they ended up attending a Holy-Ghost filled home-going service. I'd like to think her momma knew it would changes lives. Ms Cissy Houston, you would be correct!

I decided then. No longer would I tarry ... no longer would I wait to do all these things I had planned ... like biking (Day 18) or remodeling my kitchen. No longer would I waste time thinking about all the things I was thinking about - dreaming about all the things I was dreaming about. Yup, things were definitely changing. The 3rd grader (Day 9) in me affectionately likes to call these last 12 months, the year of the firsts.

Me!

Now, July holds some real significance for me as it's my birthday month and I'm pretty introspective but I'm certain that's when it really started, last July. It may have begun with a simple post. A random chick from bible study posted about 2 job offers she was considering ... nothing exceptional about that. But within a week or two of her post, I had asked this random chick to move in. Or could it have been that I gave away my first car? Or perhaps it was when a team member from work suddenly passed?

Whatever is was, this season of growth, maturity, shift in perspective or as I like to call it ... this season of firstness all kicked off last year this time. Had I lost my mind? Was I in the midst of a mid-life crisis? Or was I finally starting to listen more, see better and understand this here life experience with a clarity that made no sense using conventional wisdom.

You see, as it turns out --  this random chick from bible study would become my roomie (Day 23). She was only supposed to stay for 3 months - at least that's what we thought, last July and we're just a few days shy of a year. And right now this very second, I know that the moment she moves outta here, we're going to act like a couple of 3rd graders on the last day of school. You must appreciate that if you had asked anyone who knows me, they would have never believed I would have casually asked some random chick from bible study to move in. And they would have been right because I'm not the sort of chick who makes rash decisions ... ha, but I did, last July. Yup, another first.

And as for my car, I had that car for some 18 years and I loved it ;-) - it was my first, there it is again, real purchase that I made by myself with money from my first job. I gave it away last July on a whim and a family member is still pushing that puppy.

And as for the gentleman at work who passed almost a year ago, where do I begin? When I received the call he had passed, I was with my Roomdog (Day 2) and she knew immediately something was wrong. I was shocked, not that I was particularly close to the gentleman but I had just seen him in a meeting the day before. That was the first time I had lost anyone I worked with. I shared with my roomdog that I wanted to say a few words at his funeral. And as life would have it, his family requested that someone from work speak on his behalf and I volunteered. Something happened back then last July, maybe it happened on that very day I spoke at the funeral? For it was crystal clear to me that speaking at his funeral, getting rid of that car and asking some random chick to move in were things I simply was supposed to do. I didn't give it a second thought - It just felt right and I simply ran with it.

It's exactly a year later and I'm feeling good too but I'm still a little tentative in my new self. A little unsure about how I'll behave ... it feels strangely unfamiliar. In fact, I feel a little like an X-men. LOL I know it's a movie but it's like when the mutants realize they have new powers and they don't know how to use them. I'm more patient ... just the other day the Wal-mart clerk was giving me the business. And no one was more surprised than me when I didn't give her the business back. Another first.  Who was this strange little, relaxed person with curly hair? I walked to the car shaking my head trying to figure out what happened. I sure was changing. What happened?

Da' Finish Line

This firstness was stretching (Day 44) a sista' out and opening the door for a number of other firsts. A few weeks back, I participated in my first 5k, look at me crossing that finishing line. I'll work on improving that time later. ;-) Yup, I even gave the opening prayer and sang in the church choir (Day 47), a dream come true I had to put down on these pages. It was fabulous. But wait, there were more firsts. I started blogging and ... I prayed with a friend. My friend had been asking me to pray for some time but I stalled. I had never prayed with anyone who wasn't clergy. This joker was crazy, prayer is personal and private, right? It is, but the idea that some one would invite me to intentionally spend time in the Lord's presence together, blew my mind. I must tell you, a few days ago, I finally stopped stalling. Praying with my friend was indescribably amazing. SMH ... Me, with no words, another first.

Ah, I could tell that the new me, with all these new firsts, was going some place new and exciting. For my birthday just yesterday, my roomie made me a scrapbook ... of this here, blog. Another, first for this gift made me cry. It was such a beautiful presentation and it's got love all over it. No, really! You can feel it when you turn the pages. It honored me like she'll never understand. It was proof that whatever this change, this shift in perspective, this firstness that started last year this time was absolutely exactly what I was supposed to do ... pen this here, blog for it feels right, like something I was simply born to do. I can't even believe I wrote that down but that's exactly how I feel.

We choose gratefulness!

I'm still wrapping my head around this firstness and am looking forward to learning more about the new me but I'd like to share a few things I've learned along the way. We choose to be happy, healthy and whole and it requires work. We choose gratefulness. We have influence over others and should pray continually that we choose to contribute and not contaminate them. The best gift we can give to ourselves and others, is to be our best grateful, joy-filled self. We should relish in it; basking in its glow. We should pray it's contagious, infectious and so authentic that folks recognize it the moment we enter a room.

So on this Day 49 of 40 Days of Gratefulness, I'm grateful for firsts. #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 48

Hello, my friend - it's been a minute and I've missed you terribly. Really? Just a few months ago, I didn't know that I liked writing but I found myself missing it these last few weeks. I'll have to start another blog for there have been a few days when I was just straight pissed off. And all I wanted to do was rant, complain, get twisted and get it in! And while I was quite comfortable with that ... until the very moment I'm forced to consider things within some grateful context simply by reading the title of this here blog ... and voila, I'm not angry anymore. Now, I've always been a softie, punk and a little bit of a push-over until abruptly I'm not ;-) Yup, I'm a little hot-headed from time to time - but this gratefulness thing always seems to change my perspective. But perhaps that's the point.

Well, work has been crazy busy due to the sequestration (Day 45) but it's never a dull moment. A few weeks back, over Memorial Day, I attended the US Naval Academy Graduation and it was great! My President was in attendance and I was too pumped over seeing him in person. I was also too pumped about seeing my roomie (Day 23) as well. She was in the faculty processional and due to the rain, she wore her favorite pink galoshes. She's pretty wacky, I tell you but this chick is driven. In fact, I affectionately call her 'the unstoppable unicorn' ... C'mon! How many 'sistas' do you know with a Ph. D. in Mechanical Engineering? I know, it's such a stereotype that smart women aren't attractive or fashionable but being a card carrying member ;-) we dispel that myth, baby!

Anyway, the weather sucked, it was some 50 degrees, windy and rainy. I was uber prepared as always - look at me with my Roomdog's (Day 2) fancy camera - I looked legit. Of course, I had to take some great shots. And while I snapped away, I became intrigued at the two secret service agents who 'covered' the President. Nothing new here, they were alert as expected but, could it be? Was there another unicorn in my midst? Yup, a sista' secret service agent who was killing it. She stood at attention the entire time my President spoke. There was no fidgeting, no shifting her weight side to side. I'm assuming she blinked but you couldn't tell. It blew my mind. It was cold, rainy, windy and she would not be deterred - she stood at full attention, that's right covering my President. Do you understand, this sista' was covering the leader of the free world. [ASIDE: I love how they say that in the movies.] Well, my only regret, is that I didn't get a chance to go down there, meet her, tell her I was so very proud, hug her neck and get a picture of her, doing her thing - covering.

And ever since then, that covering thing has stuck with me. I know, we usually reserve cover for the police like my favorite, Olivia Benson would say to her partner (depending on the season) 'Elliott, cover me!' Or if you are a bible scholar, it's about a husband covering his wife - the story of Boaz and Ruth come to mind. Yeah, I could be in the wrong book with that but you get the picture. Or it could be when someone looks out for you. 'I gotcha covered.'

Brothers, I'm an independent woman and all ... yup, make my own money ... but it's still a turn on when a brother tells ya 'he got ya covered.' For real. As luck, aah but I don't believe in luck. As life would have it, when me and my roomdog when to see Kim Burrell in concert a few weeks ago, she talked about 'keeping your friends covered.' Miss Burrell, I certainly will!

You see where I'm going with this thing, right? 'Cover' captures that magical,  je ne sais quoi feeling that things are better simply because someone else is there. They don't even have to do anything. Oh, it could be your Daddy, or your hubby or even ya best friend. And it would not be a coincidence that I would find myself capturing these here thoughts on Father's Day. My little cousin posted  'the way that you feel about your father will influence every single relationship you have.' Well said!! Me not being a Daddy's girl has certainly influenced me. I am fixer, a mover and a shaker, I don't dawdle and I'm usually very comfortable with my decisions. Now, those are good traits but only in moderation ;-) I don't believe I have trouble asking for help but I've not always been accustomed to people simply looking out for me. Hmm, not sure if that's good or bad but what it does do ... is it causes me to be very appreciative about each and every thing people do for me. It just so happens, I've been blessed to have good men who are great fathers in my life, who taught me about covering even before I understood what that meant. I can also tell you that with all my fixing, handling it, resolving issues, kick @ss decision-making skills ... being covered sure feels good!

When I had surgery a few years back, my roomdog (Day 2) stayed with me in the hospital the entire time. She even helped me bathe and get dressed. Let me tell you, it was not a good look ;-) but I'm so very grateful for her. Of course, she would have me covered, she's my roomdog. But, you know what? My roomdog and her husband hadn't been back from their honeymoon a full 24 hours before she dropped everything and stayed with me in the hospital for some 4 days. I even spent 4 weeks recovering at their home. I missed it at the time but her husband had me covered too.

Amazing how a 'lil gratefulness illuminates things. Just the other day, I saw a snake in the garage. Let me tell you, I was horrified. Where was Miss Independent, cool, calm and collected? She was cowering in the driveway, sweating like a junkie and swatting her ears at the imaginary bugs she could feel crawling all over her. I was afraid, alone and didn't know what to do until ... I called my Roomdog. Her and her hubby came over. That's right ... to cover me. Just as they arrived, my roomie (Day 23) came home from work. Yup, more covering. [ASIDE: I told my roomdog to 'twerk it real good for her husband ;-) hehe, I was trying to cover him] And later when I was still wound up, my roomie baked me some Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies and they were still warm from the oven when I inhaled them. She even promised to check the garage in the morning. Yeah, she's definitely a unicorn, what chick isn't afraid of snakes? She isn't - go figure, it must be a Texas thing.

Slim Shady 'Da Snake

Now, nothing had changed but I sure felt better. Slim shady, as my roomie named him, was not captured, he escaped in a crack in the wall. Am I afraid to go in the garage? Absolutely! You should see me in the morning leaping through there in a single bound. Pray that I don't twist my ankle speed hopping. In fact, my feet only hit that garage floor twice as I hop through there. And, I have no idea if slim shady is still in there or not. But what I do know is that covering feels good .... like warm, fresh baked Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies.

So on this Day 48 of 40 Days of gratefulness, I'm grateful for covering.  #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 47

And they say dreams don't come true. I beg to differ. For as long as I can remember, I've loved music and singing. And I'm no ordinary lil' black girl from Baltimore, my mother indulged me as I've had both piano and guitar lessons. Hmm, guess that make me a well-rounded lil' black girl from Baltimore ;-)  I also grew up in the Episcopal church which means I appreciated classical, orchestral pieces as well as the usual R&B and soft-rock. Hey!! No judgement, Hall & Oates was my very first concert.

Sorry, I digress. Now, I didn't stick with any of those instruments and I have exactly zero musical talents but I secretly harbored a pipe dream to sing. Let's be clear, I can not sing, I'm pretty much tone deaf and 'couldn't carry a tune with a bucket' as my Roomdog (Day 2) likes to joke me. SMH Let's just say, that I was in no danger of pursuing a musical career but that didn't change anything for me; I still dreamed of singing.

I grew up with the likes of Whitney and I still love me some Anita Baker. Regina Belle, whom I've actually met, was my favorite but if I could pick just one person who I'd like to sound like; hands down that would be Phylis Hyman. I mean it was something about her that simply gave me goosebumps. With my zero musical talents, I clearly recognized that I would never be out front leading a song but I didn't need to -- because I really wanted to be a background singer.

Chalk that up to the 3rd grader (Day 9) in me. For whatever reason, I didn't need to be out in front. See to me, background singers are the ones who fill the song. For example, everyone knows Aretha Franklin's Ain't No Way. Yup, a classic but what makes that song memorable is the soprano in the background. The soprano is the one who makes you feel 'longing' in that song. That actually was Cissy Houston, Whitney's momma. Anyway, I do my share of singing in the shower and in the car but generally I'm simply listening and enjoying the music. I was happy, content even with just enjoying the music until an opportunity presented itself.

The Psalmist, me!

At church (Day 35), there was going to be a Women's Day Choir to celebrate Mother's Day and guess what? There were going to let anyone sing, which made me laugh. I joked about joining but I thought 'Nah, it'll never happen, you can't sing.' Duh, I must have forgot what we learned back on Day 6 about missing out on blessings and killing dreams. I even sent an email explaining that I was unable to attend the first practice, asking if I could still participate but I didn't receive a response. 'No big deal, it wasn't in your cards,' I told myself. Riiight! But my roomie (Day 23) forwarded me an email she had received and it said they were really going to let anybody sing in the choir, even me.

WHAT!! Let me tell you, after the first practice I was hooked. The choir director, Janel was astounding. It it exhilarating and inspiring when you see folks walking in their purpose. And I don't know this chick personally, but she was born to choir direct or is that direct choir? You get the gist. She had fabulous energy; explaining that we weren't just singing in the choir, we were using our voices to praise and possibly bless someone through music. Whew. After that one practice, I started calling myself, the Psalmist. LOL I know but the 3rd grader in me never stops.

Well, just last Sunday, I performed in the Metropolitan Baptist Church Women's Day Choir and it was phenomenal. I can't tell you - it was one of the most rewarding experiences ever and I gave it 110%. There was no way I wasn't going to get it in! I mean I was literally 'living my dream' performing. Me, singing, praising the Lord with my voice, rocking from side to side, clapping and I think I even threw up 'holy hands.' Could it be that I'm finally starting to shake that Episcopal 'quiet-in-church-upbringing?' Maybe.

So on this Day 47 of 40 Days of Gratefulness, I'm grateful for dreams that come true. #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 46

Hmm, I set out with every intention of capturing yet another adventure as me and the roomie (Day 23) went hiking (Day 29). That post was hilarious and I'd love to do another one because it really made me laugh. We took some great pictures so I'd imagine that hiking Part III is coming soon. But despite my plans, when I sat down to capture my thoughts, there was another plan at work.

Anyway, fooling around with that roomie, I had got to church super early - yup, 6:30AM and needed coffee badly lest I'd end up fighting an usher in the aisles because I was super tired. So off I go to get coffee on Sunday morning. I was surprised at the number of general contractor-types that were out. First, when have you known any contractor to work on Sunday? And despite them getting coffee at 6:30 AM, I've never seen them anywhere near my house that time of the morning, I digress.

So, here I am waiting in line just behind a gentleman who still reeked of alcohol. Haha, I remember those days, trying to absorb the previous evenings' liquid escapades with sugar or grease. Lo' and behold, a lady whose seen better days, says good morning to no one in particular. But, she sidles up right next to me. LOL While we wait, she starts taking off her shoes, rubbing her feet, stretches and begins to tell me about her evening that was filed with misfortune. I nod politely and smile. She tells me she just got released from the hospital. The Olivia Benson in me wonders what might she have done with her name bracelet. LOL

She goes on to say that I smell really good and that a long time ago, she had perfume like that too. That make me sad, sucker! That 3rd grader (Day 9) in me, falls for it every time like I've been waiting my entire life for possible homeless people looking for free coffee and donuts at 6:30AM in the morning to compliment me on my perfume.

I bite and ask her if she would like a cup of coffee. 'Yes, ma'am and how about 2 donuts as well, I didn't get much to eat.' Well, I can accommodate that request. Good thing,  she didn't want a dozen. ;-) She actually has a sense of humor and I wonder how she may have been under different circumstances. She tells me I'm funny when I tell the server 'I'd like my coffee with 4 creams;  just about your complexion.'

Then, she asks which way am I heading. I invite her to church. [ASIDE: I have definitely turned into my mother when I'm actually considering picking up strangers off the street. But I'm certain nothing bad will ever happen if you pick up a stranger and bring them to church. I really believe this!] Nope, she's not headed that way - she needs to go to Southeast. Well, I'm not taking her there. But, I could put her in a cab and look there's one right there filling up his gas tank. The cabbie is giving me the 'You know, she's a racket, right?' I do know and I give him a $20 bill. I notice that he's attractive, he asked what school I went to and did I live nearby -- I laugh, sorry, babe it's too early for game ;-)

I bid her farewell and hope she enjoys her $20 worth of time in that cab. By the way, she's so busy talking, she drops her coffee on the ground. I crack up laughing that she would come over to me in that line. For as long as I can remember, strangers have always picked me out in a crowd. I don't care if it's 100 people and my hair ain't been combed and I'm wearing a dirty, torn t-shirt and I'm a little musty, they are going to head straight to me and ask for something.

Why do strangers always seem to come to me? I used to think it was because I was the smallest one in the bunch or it could have been my little glasses. My roomdog (Day 2) says I remind folks of Puss in Boots, a little character that makes people laugh. It could be that I inherited it. My mom has a true servant's heart and got approached all the time when we were kids. And, she was notorious for picking up strangers and giving them rides. Well, I'd like to think a little of that may have fell my way but what I do have is good energy, the ability to talk to anyone and enough 3rd grader in me to leave Dunkin' Donuts $30 light when all I wanted was a cup of coffee.

So on this Day 46 of 40 days of gratefulness, I'm grateful for good energy. #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 45

Yesterday was quite the day. Sequestration had finally hit my team. My entire team was cut ... except for me. I'm feeling exceptionally blessed that I get to stay but I'm saddened by the fact that this team will never be the same. I've been here for 5 years and while I've seen a number of folks come and go -- this time it feels especially different, unfamiliar and fragile.

It could be a combination of things - perhaps it's that folks were given just a day's notice. It could be our SA team is moving to another building. It could be I've been 'feeling some kinda way' about life in general. Or it simply could be that we were here for a specific time for a specific purpose and that time has now come to an end.

Post from Our Last Team Outing

What have I learned you might ask? It's that at the end of the day, we're all just people. People with families, lives, hopes, dreams, regrets, shortcomings and flaws. And what I've learned from this team is that we did some good things together; both professionally and personally. We respected each other, egos were checked at the door and we really care about each other just a little more than co-workers do because we're friends. The kind of friends who encourage and pray for each other. The kind of friends who'll drop you off at the airport or the mechanic. The kind of friends who would use an entire day of leave to make the best pulled pork I've ever had. The kind of friends who would tour the Naval Academy one November afternoon and toast the night away responsibly ;-) at Ruth Chris. The kind of friends who would attend a co-worker's wake together. The kind of friends who would agree to pray corporately at the exact time, I was to speak on our team's behalf at our deceased co-worker's funeral. The kind of friends who never made it to the stadium but still had a fabulous time watching the Ravens Victory party on TV at a local dive. And the kind of team that would shed tears when they learned some would not return on Monday.

I'm not sure what Monday morning will look like. But whatever it will be,  I'll fill it with fond memories. Fond memories of us going to the gym, getting smoothies, laughing at how small the gym towels were, exchanging good recipes, talks of soccer matches, husbands that know just what to do, ailing parents, nuances of Peruvian chicken and just having a good time with each other at work.

I have no doubt that we will keep in touch but ... to my team, uh, my friends, we did some good things together! As they say, all good things must come to an end.

So on this Day 45 of 40 days of gratefulness, I'm grateful for good things! #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 44

'Tremendous things are in store for you!' That was the slogan on the back of a box of candy a friend gave me. It made me laugh. Good, because I needed something tremendous. I'd been stressed the last few weeks and no, I wasn't hopeless but joy was just around the corner, right? Oh, I could almost see and taste it but I couldn't quite reach it or feel its embrace but it's right there ...  just beyond my finger tips, staring me in the face ... if only I could stretch just a little more.

Ooh, I had no idea that 'stretching out' would be a re-occurring theme in the story of my life these last few days. Since I began this blog, things have been changing and that includes me. Recently, I had a difficult conversation with a dear friend - our friendship is going some place new, different and better. Aah, but it still feels a little uncomfortable but growth is just that, uncomfortable until you get there. I pray that she's not worried because I'm not. See, I have a little more experience with being comfortable with the uncomfortable (Day 29) and going some place new (like this here, blog).  Be Still, baby girl, (Day 19) I'm just over your shoulder ;-)

And that's just how this week-end began, me being stretched out. On Saturday, me and my roomie (Day 23) rode our bikes for 22 miles. Did I think I could ever make it that far? Nope, but having her with me, caused me to stretch out. See what happens when I get out of the way, More. That's the longest I've ever been on B, my bike (Day 18) but it wasn't bad at all. The weather was perfect, the ride pleasant and strangely enough relaxing. See what happens when we leave fear (Day 36) behind and stretch out.

And just when I thought, ok, I'm starting to get this thing. Sunday rolls around. And church (Day 35) is indescribable! Guess what? The guest psalmist sang about 'Stretching out.' I can't make this stuff up. Next, I can't even tell you what happened in church. The Holy Spirit moved so fast, we were only a few minutes in to service and something happened. Pastor came out of the pulpit, walked down the stairs and held this gentleman who seems to be going through. He invited the entire church family to come down and pray. I can barely even describe it, folks were everywhere, crying, hugging, touching and agreeing, praising the Lord. We could hear Pastor pray but then I heard others praying and while there were several prayers going on at once, I felt like I could hear each one of them individually - dare I say it was miraculous! Prayer is the one gift that keeps on giving and even on Monday evening when I sat down to capture my thoughts, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what I experienced.

But, what I can tell you, is that I, along with a few others left a few things back there at that altar on Sunday and it feels tremendous ... just like that box of candy predicted. Coincidence? NOT! I rounded the corner, dropped off regret and hurt, picked up some forgiveness and there it was .... joy, mine for the taking.

So on this Day 44 of 40 days of gratefulness, I'm grateful for stretching out. #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness

40 Days of Gratefulness - Day 43

I went to Serverworld yesterday! I know, it sounds like an amusement park. Serverworld is actually a big room with a gazillion servers, you get the picture. Despite the room being cool, noisy and drafty with terrible lighting, it was a new experience and I had a great time. It could have very well been the company, the SBSA team escorted me there and I love their repartee. They laugh, bicker and joke like teenagers. They even joined me in the 3rd grade (Day 9) and planked with me on the floor just for kicks. And when we had lunch we prayed -- it simply can't get any better than that. It felt like a field trip and like any 3rd grader, I dressed especially for the occasion ... that's me in bright colors because wearing bright colors puts me in a good mood. And this field trip, oh, I mean work ;-) was a much need reprieve for the last week has by far been one of the toughest weeks of my life.

My BFA (Day 7) buried her dad last Saturday and I wrestled with the fact that my mother had not been herself the last few weeks. Her dad, was a simple man. No late nights out w/the fellas, no secret family or illegitimate children - he believed in family first, period. I remember trying to surprise Deneen one year for her birthday and she was so worried about what would happen if she didn't go over to her parents' house on her actual birthday. I busted her chops good "Girl, you are 40 years old, get over it." Now, her family was in on the surprise but she worried like she was a teenager who had missed curfew. LOL. That still cracks me up. Needless to say, her Dad passing wasn't a surprise but can you ever really prepare? The first time I saw her after he passed, I cried wondering how in the world was she managing, when I felt like I was 'gently unraveling' -- barely holding on worrying about her, my mom and the cursed d-word, dementia the doctor so casually threw out.

It's interesting that for as expressive as I am - my mother is not. It could be why she thought it important to nurture that in her children. I'd like to think as the first born, she had more time to nurture that in me - I can always tell you how I'm feeling ...  just ask any of my friends.

But whatever is going on I'm ready or should be, right? Being grateful should have helped me face my fears easier and address those concerns I thought best left buried. But, I struggled, it's not easy but it's important to do the work - gratefulness is a choice. It's not dependent on a good day - it is a place where we must choose to stand and hopefully we're walking down emotionally-spiritually-healthly boulevard together. And if not, we should at least be ready to round the corner. One of my sisters-in-love (Day 3), always says 'lean into it.' That basically means that which we're afraid of, we must ease into it. 

Well, this is me trying to ease into it. But, there are moments usually in the early AM (when I'm accustomed to being grateful) that I slip into a fog of worry, regret, concern and fear but then I remember that I've been practicing this gratefulness thing - so I'm seemingly able to hold on. It's in these moments of 'gently unraveling' that I'm am resigned to remember (Day 14) to be relaxed with what I have. You see, all the time I busy myself with spinning my wheels, playing the negative sound track and making moves, I could be practicing relaxing with what I have. If I could only wrap my head around 'relaxing with what I have,' there would be more time for me to touch, taste, see, feel and absorb more ... more joy, more happiness, more peace.

What's that scripture, Philippians 4:7 'And the peace of God, which passes all understanding ...' I gotta tell you I thought Fred Hammond was a genius a few years back when he sang that. I didn't know that it was straight from the bible. LOL. That makes me laugh. This peace is what I pray for my BFA and her family, this peace is what I pray for my mom, this peace that will soothe my broken heart, this peace that give me hope, this peace that keeps me from plummeting into despair, this peace that helps me remember I am never alone and this peace that is available to me if I could learn to 'relax with what I have' more.

So on this Day 43 of 40 days of gratefulness, I'm grateful for peace. #beblessed #40daysofgratefulness